Saturday, June 25, 2016

Post Brexit Exclusive: May to become PM, England to Join New Free Trade Area

On Thursday, May 23rd, British voters voted 52%-48% to leave the European Union. The vote was derided in financial and political circles around the world. But what does it really mean? Yet Another Political Rant is pleased to publish an interview that sheds some light onto the future direction of the United Kingdom. Yesterday, I sat down with a Conservative member of parliament from England. He spoke with us on condition of anonymity.

YAPR: Many have suggested that another referendum will be held that could overturn the results of the last one. Or that perhaps parliament might not honor the referendum and instead choose to remain part of the EU. Do you think there is any way that the United Kingdom might decided to remain even still?

MP: Yeah, well, maybe. Everyone knows we fucked up, but it's too goddamned late. Merkel would have us back if we crawled to her on hands and knees and asked to toss her salad. We're out. That's it. Done.

YAPR: Do you have any inside information as to who might become the next prime minister?

MP: Yes. Theresa May will be the next prime minister of England.

YAPR: Excuse me, you mean, prime minister of the United Kingdom?

MP: Well, for a minute, maybe, but we jolly well pissed away the kingdom then didn't we? Scotland will hold another referendum and leave before you can wipe your ass. They'll join back up with the EU of course. Northern Ireland will probably join up with the rest of Ireland. I expect the Shetlands will join up with Norway and take all the North Sea oilfields with them. Of course the Falklands will be wanting to join with Argentina. Hell the Taffies might even leave and join up with the other sheep shaggers in the North.

YAPR: Is the situation really so grave for England?

MP: It sure as fuck is. Everyone knows the English are a bunch of racist arseholes who are too stupid to bother with. This Brexit vote is the most embarrassing thing since the Munich Agreement.

YAPR: So does England have a plan? How will England address the loss of such a large market for its goods and services.

MP: Oh there's a plan. I've been discussing this with Theresa. Everyone regrets pissing away our sweet trade situation, so we need to build another free trade zone.

YAPR: If England is so reviled how will you be able to sign trade deals?

MP: Well, we have to start at the bottom. To that end, I am working on a deal to for a free trade zone with North Korea, Myanmar, and the Central African Republic. We hope to add countries such as Sudan and Somalia soon.

YAPR: Do you have an other inside news to share with us?

MP: Sure. I need a dirty whore and some nose candy. Sod off.

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