Note: I do NOT harass government officials. I do however call them up to chat. This will likely be the first such friendly conversation that I share with you, my loyal, non-existent readers.
Today I spoke with a very nice man from the FBI. It was hilarious actually. I was very upset over the raids by the Ramsey County Minnesota Sheriff's Office
and the FBI on several groups protesting the Republic National Convention.
I started an email campaign (with little success) to call the sheriff's office's internal affairs department with complaints. Not only did my emails fall on deaf inboxes, but the internal affairs department was not taking calls due to the convention. (Or did they stop taking calls because my email campaign succeeded? I'll imagine that was the case.) Anyway, I thought it would be a good idea to call the FBI's Minnesota office to nip this bad behavior in the bud. What follows is a brief recreation (i.e. inaccurate down to the very syllable).
FBI Receptionist: FBI. How may I help you?
Me: I would like to report corruption.
FBI Receptionist: Thank you. Hold please.
Poor Confused FBI Agent (henceforth referred to as Waldo): Hello. What can I do for you?
Me:I'd like to report corruption.
Waldo:You're going to have to be more specific.
Me:Well a couple of days ago, the Ramsey County Sheriff's Office raided some protesters of the Republican Convention. They arrested the leaders and seized some laptops. I have it on good authority that Karl Rove ordered the raids because the protesters had pictures of his son having sex with a donkey.
Waldo: Excuse me?
Me:And I won't stand these politically motivate raids. I want an investigation. Someone isn't playing it straight at the FBI. Don't just sit there with your finger in your ass while Gargamel eats all of our boys in blue. This is Amnerika!
Waldo:Sir, this is the FBI. Our law enforcement is not politically motivated.
Me:If I marched into Rupaul's bedroom and charged it with a firecode violation for hosting the cast of Oz, that wouldn't be politically motivated?
Waldo:It is part of the FBI's mandate to help local law enforcement enforce laws.
Me:And yet you did nothing to stop Denkinger?
Waldo: You sonofabitch! How did you know? I told him to stop ... that ... that he shouldn't touch where my swimsuit covered, but Denkinger would have none of it [sobbing] my ass still hurts ... I'll get you you dirty motherfucker...
At this point, I considered it judicious to end the call...
Later, I looked up details about the raids. It turns out the the raiders seized various items (including buckets of
urine) that could be used for riotous mischief. I still think that the raids were politically motivated, but I still had to call and complain--if only to meet my special friend Waldo.